Boys Just Want One Thing....

I always thought that I would become a Nun.  It was my calling, my passion, or so we were all told by Sister after Sister, Priest after Priest, Mother Superior, and even the Archbishop when he addressed us in church.  What I thought was passion in my belly might have well been tailored propaganda and indigestion.  And for the most part, it was working!  …With the exception of the “sinner”, Cynthia, who promptly proclaimed she was pregnant sometime in our sophomore year, and who had mysteriously disappeared from our class.
    I was not a wall-flower by any means. I do know girls get pregnant; I was just missing the particulars.  I did like boys and professed my undying love to Frankie Avalon, each time I played “Venus” on my record player.  The dances every Friday night at Central Catholic, an all boys’ high school, just down the street from St. Mary’s, fueled my passion for boys!  I definitely was conflicted—God or boys?
   By senior year, I was gearing up for Sister Marie’s “Sex Education” class.  You see my Mom hadn’t given me the slightest hint as to how this sex thing worked. You’d think by now I would know!  But look, this was the ‘60’s and WAY pre-Woodstock!  No books to be found on the subject, and “Leave It to Beaver” was the hit television show;  June Clever wasn’t leaving any clues either!  Glamour magazine, which I faithfully subscribed to was in its infancy, and Christie Brinkley was wearing a modest one piece bathing suit on the cover.  No Internet, and a mother that kept mum!
    “I’ll ask the doctor to tell you all about the “Birds and the Bees” when you turn 16”, was all she would say!
     Each year, same answer to my question!  I was about to give up, when at 16 in senior year, I eagerly anticipated taking the senior S-E-X class.  I fantasized about asking all the questions that were making me crazy!  No more wait!  The senior year began with a bang! …and I sincerely mean that!
   First class, after eagerly anticipating this class, we were greeted somberly [Where was the funeral?] at the classroom door by Sister Marie and Father George who promptly told us that this class would be a life changer.  For the entire period, Sister sat and Father spoke.  Not about the anticipated SEX curriculum but of virginity as a Christly act. He spoke of the urgent need for us to join the Sisterhood and to give our lives to Christ. All right!  I had heard this pitch before!
   I needed cold hard facts.  Exactly how far could I go?... first and second base I knew were safe.  
What happened if I, you know ----I couldn’t even imagine the exact leeway I had. I knew I was planning to go to college.  After all, I was in the College Prep classes, getting good grades…but what about my desires?  What was I suppose to do about that?  My two best friends and I would discuss SEX but were getting nowhere.
   Maybe tomorrow Sister would finally get down to the nitty-gritty of SEX.  I needed my questions answered and was boldly prepared to ask them in spite of my rather shy personality.  My mother and the doctor wouldn’t discuss SEX, and I was almost an adult.  I was desperate!
   Well, after about two weeks of dancing around the SEX part of this semester course, I saw a glimmer of hope.  Sister ushered us all into the classroom, and then she locked the door!  Now that was a first.   I knew we were about to embark on the most important discussion of my young adult life.
   It was to be a very serious, no nonsense talk. I could tell by the creases around her mouth.  Sister

fidgeted with the rosary beads encircling her robust waist.  And she looked concerned:  Concerned for us; concerned for our parents; in fact, concerned for all mankind—with what she was about to divulge to us.
     “Get on with it Sister”, I mumbled to myself.  “I’ve been waiting 16 years to have my SEX questions answered.”  Sister heard my silent pleading and solemnly began.
   Sister:  Girls,[pause] at your age, you are about to graduate from high school and begin your lives.  You need to remember, BOYS ONLY JUST WANT ONE THING!!!...for you to pick their toenails and get the crud out from between their toes!  They don’t care about what you want.  You will become one through marriage and will need to serve their every need.  I will say no more about boys during this class.  You can use this time for better things, like studying for your other classes.
  “That’s it?  That’s all there was to it?”  I anticipated a decent answer and some guidance to help me!
     Somehow, I knew that I would figure things out, but this vivid description of “toe picking” flashed before my eyes, and I cringed.
    I decided to give myself to God instead and attended a mandatory spiritual retreat in the country.  I now knew my life’s path—with God. That is, until the end of the retreat when the priest announced that a $1,000., non-refundable dowry, would be required and payable before I could even set foot on the campus and begin my training as a Novice Nun.
     I was dumbfounded.  My parents couldn’t afford that kind of money and it would be years before I could accumulate that much money on my newly acquired minimum wage job of $1.25 an hour!
     Over, FINI, disillusioned!!!  My aspirations of becoming a Sister ended at the church steps at that retreat for “would be” nuns!  …and my dreams of marriage were tainted further by the sudden  awareness that marriage would probably be drudgery!
   So, I applied to college with the firm resolve to stay single until I was 29 years old—minimum!! By then, I was confident that I would have figured this SEX thing out on my own.  Besides, Gloria Steinem was talking about empowering women and Helen Gurly Brown had just written her revealing book, Sex and the Single Girl!  I put that book on my summer reading list and bought a bikini. Good start, I sighed! …and that’s the truth     ‘cause Catholic girls don’t lie!!